Fear

I’m sitting here…at the fork in the road…which way will I go?

One way leads to seeming security—I say seeming because nothing in this world is truly secure…it is a world made for flux ending in demise. I am giggling because really, why all this pressure in such a world? What does anything really matter? It is a story to be played out! Which role do I want?

Let’s play a game!!! I love games, not really, but I love to find solutions…that is true! I AM a solution driven person.

So. What fears do I have? My biggest fear is letting down my husband. My faith has proved to me over and over in my life that regardless, I am going to be okay, WE are going to be okay! For some reason, well, I know the reason…the fear belief system we were raised with…I say we, because me and my husband could have grown up in the same household! We were taught that we have to go to work, nose to the grinder, head down and work hard – – no questions asked. We are not meant to be happy or enjoy it. It’s life baby, suck it up, buttercup!!! My husband is worried about taxes and benefits. Solution: earn more money. I feel that my current at home position could really turn into something more. I only need time. And once my husband receives his second immunization this month I can also reach out and start doing funeral services again…so I will be working three positions that I love…billing at home, working with Deanna/the End of Life movement, and working with funeral homes. I am afraid of resenting him, too, which would be in letting myself down, you know?

Now let’s talk about the position that I was offered doing what I do…managing employees. I was so caught up in the fact that I was offered the position so soon that I did not even process the actual position with this company and what that looks like! It is for a doctor and his wife, who is the admin over me….never a great situation. I will be traveling with the doctor between two locations and sitting at the front desk with the front desk team, not having a work station, an office, or privacy. I see myself driving them AND myself nuts. It does not feel good. I did not even pause in the “reality” of the position before. I’m also concerned because she was late and did not apologize for being late, and she was so anxious to hire me…not all things that appear awesome are truly awesome!! Also, it is in a location that I worked before and it was not great, weird, right? Lastly it is a similar locations to my last position…I do not take that as a great sign. If I have to go out and work managing, I would much rather find a position closer to home. I have not really been trying to find a position at all, only applying to those I am qualified for on a whim.

In my pausing here and pondering I see clearly now what woke me up at 1 AM – – I have made my mind up that this position is not for me. It was a disturbing realization in the middle of the night. I awoke with gratitude that I did not rush into anything. What is a solution that will make both my husband and myself happy? I will continue doing what I am doing for now, next week I will send emails out to all of my funeral director contacts letting them know I am available for funerals. I will continue working with my end-of-life crew (I anticipate more will come my way from this venue as well)…if in six weeks it looks like the billing position will not need me (due to the closing of a big account) I will put my nose to the wheel and either find a stay at home position with benefits or I will get out there, hit the pavement, and find a position that is a good fit utilizing my management abilities that is hopefully closer to home.

So….here we are. No more fork. No more pressure. No more angst. Do what is in front of me and enjoy the ride! I did not even have to write a pro and con list! We all know my leaving the pups at home for 8 hours a day would be on the TOP of the CON list!!!!!!!! Now to see what the spouse thinks about all of this….